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I give you my heart...

The God Who Never Gives Up On Me

I have been participating in a spiritual discipline lately for my Theological & Spiritual Formation class.  I scoff and think to myself, "but I do spiritual disciplines everyday, this isn't going to change my life..."  I've been through this before, thinking that I am 'pious' and then discovering that the ridiculous amount of prayer I engage in on a daily basis, distracts me from life and actually doesn't make me closer to God...  I was just wired that way from an early age.  I was abused a lot as a child, in many different ways and then the abuse continued into my adult life and this made me reject love, reject people and a lot of the time it made me feel scared and unsafe. (Prayer is important, but it needs to be heartfelt and genuine, felt from the inside out). Thank God life is different now.

So of course Lynn my lecturer is correct (again) and I do the spiritual discipline that she has put into our unit guide, so we have to do it or we don't pass etc.  and it takes a life of it's own.  I think sure I can meditate, I always do that... Then I sit down and very intentionally sit for 15 minutes, chanting, "Thank you God," in Aramaic over and over, while listening to a relaxing piece of music.  The music helps me focus, as do the words.  The first 3 times, it was near impossible, with outside sounds filtering in and thoughts about my stresses coming into my head and then on the fourth day, it happened.  I relaxed and I let go.  It was just God and I and it was wonderful.  I'm not saying I'm more spiritual now, I'm saying it's worth it because genuine proximity to God and peace are precious.  It makes you feel good, when everything might not be so good around you.  (It's difficult to find the time, being a busy mum, studying full time and trying to keep my life in order, but it's worth it).  My meditations (and God) inspired me to write this piece.

My Conversation with God this morning:

God: Today I want you to stop praying and trust me.

Me: But that's so hard.

God: I know, this time I want you to listen to me and follow.

Me: What if I fall?

God: I will catch you.

Me: I'm afraid of heights and I don't want to get hurt. Just thinking about pain makes me nervous.

God: It will build character...

Me: I feel like I'm falling already.

God: Put on this harness and make your way down the cliff.

Me: Ok, please don't let go.

God: Have I ever left you?

Me: No but sometimes I can't feel your presence.

God: I've never left you and I never will. I am here and I will protect you.

(She starts to fall and God doesn't catch her. In a split second she is on the top of the cliff and sees a woman at the bottom of the cliff with a bit of blood coming out of her mouth, limp and lifeless).

Holy Spirit: I can't always catch you, but sometimes I can take the fall.

Me: I don't deserve this.

Holy Spirit: You are worth more than this, I save you from more falls each day than you think... Be grateful.

Me: I am, thank you.

St Peters Bournemouth 1


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